Hey, Wonderful
by chakramchaser
Summary: A/O: Olivia is more shaken than she expected after Sonya's death. Desperate for someone to turn to but unwilling to open up at work, she's left with nobody to think of but Alex...
1. Chapter 1

Olivia dialed the familiar number and held the phone to her ear, waiting anxiously for the line to connect. It did, after one short ring.

"Hello?"

"Hey, Wonderful," Olivia said, the old greeting coming out in a sigh.

"Liv? Is everything okay?"

"Yeah– well, no. They're not okay, Alex." Olivia bit her lip and rolled her eyes up to stare at the ceiling.

Alex stayed quiet, knowing that prodding would do no good. Olivia would open up on her own time. Alex was anxious for her friend, alarmed at hearing her defeated voice through the phone an ocean away. Olivia never sounded defeated. After a moment, Olivia spoke again.

"How's Amsterdam treating you?"

"The Hague, actually," Alex corrected her absentmindedly. "And it's fine," she answered truthfully. "I'm really enjoying myself."

The task force at the International Court of Justice was one of the most meaningful things she had ever done, and she took pleasure in the work. She thrived on the pressure of the job and the thrill of living in a new city with a new language and culture.

"That's good," Olivia answered absently. When she was still silent after a minute, Alex began to ask questions.

"I know you called for a reason, Liv," she said gently. "Do you need to talk?"

A moment of silence passed before Alex heard a barely audible sniffle from the other end. It could have been mistaken for static had she not been so attuned to Olivia's feelings.

"Oh, Liv, don't cry," Alex urged, biting her lip. There was nothing she wanted more at that moment than to be next to her friend, to pull out a bottle of wine for them to share and talk it out. Whatever it was…

"Sonya's dead." Olivia said it quickly, so quickly that Alex wasn't sure what she was hearing.

"What? Sonya Paxton?"

"Yeah," she answered. "We were working a case and she got very involved in it," Olivia recounted in monotone. "One of the victim's sisters had a stalker, and he killed her. With a knife. I found her on the bathroom floor… She bled out in my arms."

Alex didn't know what to say, but Olivia didn't expect her to answer. She cried silently into the phone while Alex collected her thoughts. But little did Olivia know that a quiet tear was now slipping down Alex's cheek, too. It was moments like this when she wished she had never left Manhattan.

"Oh, Liv," she breathed. "I am so, so sorry."

"And the worst part," Olivia continued after a moment, "is that we were all so alone. Elliot was in Quantico and he wasn't even up to speed on anything when he got back, other than what happened to Sonya. There was nowhere to go."

"Well, it's good that you have him anyway," Alex said, a tinge of bitterness in her heart. She could see her detective friend embracing Elliot in times of trouble, and mournfully wished that it was her. She and Olivia had always fit together, even from day one. An automatic go-to support system, best-friend complex.

"Yeah, I'm lucky to have Elliot," Olivia said, sniffing. "But it doesn't make me miss you any less."

Alex smiled ruefully, happy that she still held a special place in Olivia's heart. She wiped away her tears, willing Olivia to do the same. Eventually the detective's ragged sobs quieted to sniffling, then to silence. She and Alex stayed on the phone for another hour, seldom speaking. They took comfort just in the knowledge that the other one was there, waiting. Listening.

Breathing.


	2. Chapter 2

Olivia woke up to find herself fully clothed and on top of her bedspread, with the phone crushed beneath her. She extricated it and replaced it in its cradle before stretching out her back; there was a knot in it where she had fallen asleep on the phone. She couldn't help but wonder if Alex had a similar pain somewhere, and if she had appreciated their chat as much as Olivia had.

She didn't even bother with breakfast, deciding instead to double up on the coffee. After mechanically knocking back a few mugs of the stuff, Olivia shuffled over to the washroom. She peeled her day-old clothing off and stepped into the shower, turning the water on full blast and standing under the freezing cold spray in the hopes that it would perk her up. As the water warmed, the goosebumps on Olivia's body faded but her mind clouded. She closed her eyes, angling her face upwards so it took the full brunt of the spray. The water seemed to come in torrents, hitting her cheeks and forehead before trailing down the rest of her body, mingled with fresh tears.

When she shut off the water, she felt empty. Olivia stood in the middle of the bathroom, hugging her towel tightly around her, vaguely wishing there was someone to hear her quiet sobs. She thought of Elliott and cried harder, embarrassed to imagine him seeing her in such a condition. They worked together, they had always been tough for each other. She had been through worse than this and kept her composure– she couldn't break down now.

But she was.

Hurrying into the bedroom, now anxious to get to work for a distraction, she threw on the first pair of jeans she found and dug up a sweater from the bottom of her closet. She only paused to gargle with undiluted Listerine and to pick up her cell phone before rocketing out the door and starting on the brisk walk to the precinct. Halfway down the block her phone vibrated, and a message flashed across the screen. One voicemail.

Olivia rolled her eyes and dialed, not wanting to deal with inane telemarketers who insisted on leaving messages. Instead, she was pleasantly surprised to hear Alex's voice come through the phone.

"Hey, Wonderful," she said. "I just wanted to call and say good morning… and I guess that's it. Feel better, okay? And call me any time. Seriously. I hardly ever sleep anyway, so don't worry about waking me up. You know I love hearing your voice. So… Yeah! Bye."

As the line went dead Olivia felt a smile spread across her face, the first one in days. The world was a big place and it felt incredibly harsh, especially when the people Olivia loved were being torn away with alarming regularity. But somehow, knowing that Alex's friendship overcame the distance between them made Olivia feel a little less alone.


	3. Chapter 3

California Dreamin' came through Alex's headphones as she jogged through the streets of The Hague. The cobblestones felt foreign under her feet, so unlike the concrete sidewalks of Central Park. Everything about the Netherlands was foreign, not surprisingly. The air smelled different somehow– maybe it was the ocean air, or maybe it was the fact that there was a significantly smaller number of cars here than in New York. Everybody rode bikes in Europe. Alex lived close enough to the courts so that she could walk or direct a taxi in her still broken Dutch. She appreciated the walk every morning, stopping in at her favourite coffee shop on the way. She loved being outside, a privilege that was harder to come by in New York.

As her feet pounded on the ground, Alex studied the apartments around her. They were short and stout and very close together, nothing like New York's high-rises. If there was one thing about New York real estate that Alex missed, it was the views from the apartments. She missed being able to look out the window and see hundreds of miles of land sprawling out in front of her.

Alex rounded the corner and stopped in front of an inconspicuous walkup apartment. She unlocked the door and jogged up the stairs, stopping at the landing and shutting of her iPod. She stood still, listening to the rhythm of her beating heart.

Suddenly, a ring interrupted the silence– not her phone, but Skype. Alex had forgotten that she left her laptop on, and she rushed into the living room and dug it up from underneath various piles of paper. She smiled when she saw who was calling, and pressed the button to answer. A video screen popped up, and Alex found herself staring at her favourite detective.

"Hey, Wonderful!" she exclaimed with a smile. "This is great."

"Why?" Olivia answered with her lopsided smile.

"Oh, I don't know. It's just good to see you for once." Alex tucked her hair behind her ear. Olivia laughed.

"Been jogging?" she asked. Alex looked down at herself, realizing she was still dressed in her ratty NYPD novelty t-shirt and covered with a sheen of sweat. She half-heartedly covered her face with her hands.

"I just got in," she said to her palm with a laugh. "Don't look at me!"

"Oh, come on. You look great," Olivia smiled. "Healthy and radiant and all that jazz." Alex smiled and removed her face from behind her hand. She sat for a minute, just staring at the screen. After a moment, Liv cocked her head and studied Alex.

"You okay?" she asked. Alex shook her head, coming back from her reverie.

"Oh, sorry. I guess I just zoned out… It's so weird to see your face again!"

Olivia was quiet for a moment, before smiling and sighing. "I miss your face, you know."

"I miss your face, too," Alex said with a bitter smile. "I miss all of you."

Olivia tried to hold back both a grin and tears, succeeding in neither. Alex noticed that the detective's eyes glistened through her smile and she bit her own lip.

"Don't do that!" Alex told Olivia. "You're going to make me cry, too. We've had enough tears lately."

Olivia wiped her eyes and dropped her head. "I know. But at least these ones are a little bit happy."

"I'm glad. But what's happy about them?"

"I don't know, I'm just happy… I'm happy to know it hurts."

The silence hung heavy in the air as Alex stared into the camera and Olivia kept wiping the tears away. Alex kissed the tips of her fingers and touched them to the camera, her heart rate increasing as Olivia raised her fingers to her own camera and then touched them to her cheek.

"There," Alex said in a shaky voice barely above a whisper. "Does it still hurt now?"

When Olivia's voice came through the speakers, it was barely audible. Her lips moved, producing just the shadow of a sound.

"More than ever," she answered. "It hurts more than ever."


	4. Chapter 4

"Come _on_!" Alex cursed her luck. Nothing seemed to be going her way anymore. She had started out wonderfully with everything falling into place, but it was getting progressively worse. She had been putting word after word onto the board, but now she was stuck with six lousy consonants and one A. Clearly, the Scrabble tiles had it in for her tonight.

Olivia laughed as another word popped on the computer screen in front of Alex. "Triple word score!" the detective's voice came through the phone as Alex brought her fist down on the table and taking another discontented bite of pizza. Pizza and Scrabble had been Alex and Olivia's once-a-month tradition, and neither of them had been prepared to give it up because of a 6-hour time change. That meant that Olivia had to eat pizza for breakfast once in a while, and they both ran up expensive phone bills while playing the game online. It wasn't the same as it was when they were both in New York, but it was better than nothing.

"I thought I might actually win this time," Alex lamented to the speakerphone.

"Do you remember who you're playing with?" Olivia asked. Alex could hear the smile in her voice.

"I know, I know," she answered as she blew her bangs out of her face and clicked the tile exchange button. "But I'll be damned if I don't win at least one game against you before I die."

"Well," Olivia said as the word "succeed" appeared around the lone E of Alex's word "ear"– her only pathetic attempt at acquiring points lately– "we've got lots of time, then. Because neither of us is going anywhere."

Alex laughed softly, and then was silent as she contemplated her virtual tiles. She finally had a word. She pushed her glasses further up her nose, clicked the necessary buttons and waited. Within two seconds, attached to the first E of Olivia's "succeed" were a freshly sprung L, O and V.

"Love," Olivia echoed, an ocean away. Alex smiled crookedly.

"Yeah," she answered. "Love."

"I always knew you were a hopeless romantic," Olivia teased. Alex blushed, suddenly glad that Olivia couldn't see her deepening colour. There was a moment of silence as Olivia planned her next move. Then, a Y and a U materialized above and below the O in "love".

"You." Olivia's voice was quiet but cheerful. Alex looked at the intertwined words on the board and breathed deeply. She heard Olivia do the same on the other end.

"Hey, Wonderful?" Olivia asked, her voice faltering just a bit towards the end.

"Yeah?" Alex answered.

"I do, you know."

"You do what?"

"Love you."

Olivia's words hung heavy in the air, and Alex's stomach clenched. Her pulse started racing, and a nervous smile spread across her face.

"I know," she answered. "Trust me, I know. And I do, too."

"You do what?"

"Love you." Alex answered with a smile. "I really do love you."

They didn't finish the Scrabble game that night. They left the words as they were and sat in silence, just like they had when Olivia called about Sonya. But it was a different kind of silence this time; it was a silence full of possibility, buzzing with life. They sat together so long that Olivia was late for work and Alex had bags under her eyes. Neither one minded, though. As Olivia was getting chewed out by Cragen that morning she kept Alex in her mind, and as Alex was falling asleep at her desk the next day she dreamt only of Olivia.


	5. Chapter 5

Alex sat at her desk, sifting through papers until she found the folder she was looking for. Taking a deep breath, she pushed her glasses further up her nose and started to read. Her stomach turned as images of the crimes on the paper filled her mind– thousands of women raped and killed, entire villages looted and burned… She felt her composure falter, and she shut the file and set her glasses on the table.

Her cell phone rang, breaking the silence and providing a welcome distraction. Alex looked at the caller ID. When Olivia's number appeared, she felt a smile spread over her face and she picked it up.

"Hey, Wonderful," she said, happy for the distraction, but her heart sank when the only sound on the other end was hysterics. Olivia was a hard person to read, so when the sound of her sobs reached Alex's ears a knot of anxiety settled in her stomach. Something terrible must have happened for her to be this unraveled– she couldn't remember a time when Olivia had let herself be so unraveled.

"It's unbelievable, Alex, it really is. I mean, I see this all the time but it's ridiculous. How is it possible for people to be so hateful… A person can't live like that." Olivia babbled incoherently, her voice floating on the surface of her tears. Alex could hear Olivia's feverish breathing, going dangerously fast. She was afraid that Olivia would pass out from lack of oxygen, and her anxiety increased.

"Liv, sweetie, calm down," Alex said, sitting up straight in her chair and furrowing her brow. "Take a few deep breaths, go slowly..." Alex inhaled deeply to demonstrate and continued until Olivia followed suit.

The detective's ragged breathing took over Alex and clenched her heart in an iron fist of misery. She felt completely helpless, wanting nothing but to take Olivia into her arms and quiet her sobs. Olivia's loneliness was painfully obvious, and Alex had been feeling it infect her own soul lately as well. She resisted the urge to cry, though, concentrating on calming Olivia down.

"Do you want to tell me what happened?" Alex coaxed as Olivia quieted down a little, still crying but no longer hyperventilating. After a minute, her broken voice came through the phone.

"We had a girl today," Olivia started, her already weak composure crumbling. "She was dead on the scene… even then she didn't look peaceful. The ME gave us the report and I was almost sick at what they did to her. You wouldn't believe it, Al…" Olivia hiccupped.

"Tell me," Alex offered, sensing that Olivia needed to get it out. Sure enough, Olivia let out a shaky sigh before beginning to speak again.

"She had multiple fractures all over her body. Some of them never fully healed, even though they were years old. Scars everywhere, trauma to the genitals, both fresh and healed…" Olivia shuddered audibly, and Alex's throat tightened at hearing the girl's condition.

"What a life," she said in a low whisper, listening as Olivia's tears came bubbling back.

"How could somebody do this to a child?" Olivia lamented, anger tainting her voice. "If I had been so lucky as to take care of her…" she stopped, taking a breath. "If I had a child to take care of, I would treat them right. Like I did with Calvin."

Alex froze. It was the first time Olivia had mentioned her ordeal with Calvin since it had happened. Even then, she had just mentioned it in passing and made it out to be no big deal. Alex could hear the pain she hid, though, and it shattered her heart. She knew how much Calvin had meant to Olivia, and was just as sorry to see him be taken away. Maybe even more so, because she grieved not only for Olivia but for herself. She had felt close to Calvin, because Olivia had told her so much about him. The pride in her voice was touching, and Alex even found tears in her eyes when Olivia recounted how Calvin had signed her last name on his schoolwork. She had no words anymore as she listened to Olivia's sobs on the other side of the Atlantic.

So they sat quietly once again, neither one speaking but both staying on the phone for the knowledge that the other was there. Alex felt different this time, though. The sense of longing lifted from her mind, and she was suddenly determined. She felt that this was the last time they would do this, that she would listen to Olivia cry on the phone in silence. She felt out of place in her European apartment, and the tall buildings and vibrant night of New York called out to her. She felt like this was her last night in the Netherlands.

In fact, she was sure of it.


	6. Chapter 6

The rain pounded on the window outside, the water droplets leaving trails of light behind them as they ran down the pane. Olivia traced them with her finger, longing for the glass to take over her heart. She wanted numbness, she wanted cold. She wanted to feel anything but the oppressive sadness she had succumbed to since Sonya's death. All day Olivia had been less than motivated to take care of herself; her hair was ruffled but clean, from a series of showers taken out of boredom. She wore no makeup and was dressed in sweatpants and an NYPD t-shirt. Her feet were bare, and she sat wrapped in a Snuggie.

Her cheeks reddened at the memory of her breakdown on the phone last night. Olivia couldn't remember the last time she had cried like that, and was ashamed at her lack of control. The pain lessened, though, because Olivia knew that Alex didn't judge her. The fact that Alex had stayed up with her on the phone for the umpteenth time just listening to her cry meant more to Olivia than she knew how to put into words. Her stomach clenched when she tried to work out what she would say to Alex, if she tried to say anything… It was impossible to explain. It really was.

The phone lay still in Olivia's hand, only deepening her depressed mood. Alex had said last night that Olivia would hear from her soon, but she hadn't called since then. Olivia had called in sick that day, and her voice was so raw from crying that Cragen had believed her. Her apartment had been her whole world for the past twenty-four hours. She longed for the phone to ring and for Alex to join her in that world, but silence pervaded the air.

She wanted to hear Alex's voice again. Her voice carried her to places far away from the pain, filling every empty crevice in her heart and making everything else go away. Somewhere, Olivia felt that it wasn't quite right for her to be so dependent on Alex and to feel as intensely for her as she did. But when they spoke and when they were together when Alex was still in New York, the happiness that it gave her pushed doubt from her mind. It felt so right that nothing could be wrong with it. Olivia's only misgiving was that she didn't know how to articulate what she felt for Alex, and she even if she knew how that Alex wouldn't return it.

She felt a lump rise in her throat, but her eyes were dry and swollen. Too many tears had been shed that day for Olivia to continue crying into the evening. She switched on the TV instead, watching catatonically as some lucky contestant on The Price is Right competed to win a beautiful new dining room set, complete with cutlery and placemats. Time passed slowly, and Olivia felt herself drifting in and out of consciousness. The passing hours were marked only by her occasional notice of the change in TV programs.

All of a sudden, when she hadn't even realized she had been asleep, Olivia woke up to the sound of a knock at her door. Disoriented and exhausted, she stood and made her way to the door. Not caring to look in the peephole first, she unchained the door and threw it open. When her eyes met the visitor's, her exhaustion immediately evaporated.

Alex stood in the hallway with a suitcase by her feet, and she smiled weakly. Her hair was half up and messy, and she was clad in skinny jeans and a white long-sleeved shirt. Olivia's hands dropped to her sides.

"Hey, Wonderful," Alex said, giving Olivia a watery smile.

Olivia had no time to think before she found herself throwing her arms around Alex and bringing their lips together. She felt Alex's hands come to rest on the sides of her face, and she melted into the embrace. Their hearts beat as one, the touch of each other's skin giving new life to their souls. When they broke apart they rested their foreheads together, Alex's hand still cradling Olivia's cheek.

"Oh God, I love you," whispered Olivia, raising her hand to hold Alex's. Alex laughed, tears streaming down her face. She kissed Olivia again, before looking over her shoulder into the apartment.

"Really, Liv, a Snuggie? Could you have chosen a more obvious way to say 'I've given up'?" Alex said, inciting a smile from Olivia.

"I know, it's pretty pathetic," she conceded tearfully, looking at the floor and stroking Alex's hand. After a moment, Alex looked into Olivia's eyes and spoke with the utmost seriousness.

"So are you going to invite me in or what? I just got off a seven hour flight, after all."

Olivia laughed for what seemed like the first time in weeks, and led Alex inside by the hand. The suitcase was pulled after them, and the door shut with a resolute bang.


	7. Chapter 7

Olivia lay on top of the covers, watching Alex's sleeping form in the early sunlight. She allowed her eyes to travel over the skinny jeans and t-shirt Alex still wore until her gaze fell on her face – the same face Olivia had dreamt about, the pale skin with its pink lips and the blue eyes which were now hidden by delicate, beautiful lids. Olivia was glad they had fallen asleep almost right after Alex had arrived; she had never in her life rested more peacefully than when Alex held her tight in her arms. And if they had stayed awake any longer she might not have been able to wake up and see Alex like this, natural and perfect.

After a few minutes that seemed like long, sweet years to Olivia, Alex opened her eyes. She blinked against the light before looking up at Olivia's face and smiling.

"Hey, Wonderful," Olivia greeted her in a soft morning whisper, propping herself up on her elbow.

Alex stretched her arms above her head and sighed. When she lowered her arms again, she brought one hand to Olivia's arm and stroked it tenderly. "Hi," she returned the greeting. A moment later, she looked into Olivia's eyes and spoke again.

"Are you okay?"

"I can honestly say that I have never felt better," Olivia laughed at the absurdity of the question, and lay back down on the bed. Alex flipped over onto her side so they were facing each other, and reached out to run her hand over Olivia's hair. Olivia closed her eyes and smiled at the touch of Alex's fingers, swallowing all of her questions and revelling in the contact she had missed for so long.

"I missed you," Alex offered, embarrassed at the obvious nature of her comment. Olivia opened her eyes and smiled, though, and reached out to hold Alex's free hand.

"I know," she answered. "I missed you too."

Olivia pulled Alex close and kissed her, gently but deeply. Alex breathed it in and smiled into the kiss before pulling away. She returned to stroking Olivia's hair, but her expression became pensive.

"Liv," she said, "I came back for you. I want you to know that. No matter what happens, no matter what we decide, I will not leave you again." She took a breath, paused, and continued. "But I need to ask you something and I want you to be honest when you answer."

Olivia nodded, squeezing Alex's hand. "Always," she said. "I'll always tell you the truth. Ask me, whatever it is." Olivia smiled reassuringly as Alex cast her gaze downwards, taking another deep breath.

"Are we doing this?" Alex asked nervously. "Are we really doing this?"

"That depends on what 'this' is," Olivia said, waiting for Alex to elaborate. Alex sat up part-way and made a general motion indicating their position.

"This," she said, letting her eyes travel the room. "You know…" She leaned over Olivia's face, hovering a hair's width away from her lips. "This," she whispered, closing the distance between them painfully slowly and drawing out the kiss as long as she could. Olivia pressed her palm to Alex's face, waiting for her to pull away before answering. When she finally did, Olivia looked into the blue eyes across from her and spoke with all the sincerity in her heart.

"I'm ready for this if you are," she told Alex. "I want this. I want you– if you want me."

Alex smiled, her eyes glistening. "You're such a coffee-guzzling, Skype-happy, Scrabble-loving, Snuggie-wearing idiot," she said softly. "How could I do anything but want you?"

Olivia's heart skipped a beat and her stomach twisted into knots. She met Alex's gaze hesitantly, an embarrassed blush creeping onto her face. "So we're doing this," she said. Alex nodded.

"We're doing this."


	8. Chapter 8

"I haven't seen you looking this good in weeks," Elliot remarked when Olivia sauntered into the precinct the next day. "I guess you're back from your sick days with a vengeance."

"You could say that," Olivia smiled as she plopped into her desk chair and got out some paperwork.

"Must have been a hell of a cold," Munch said as he walked over to the coffee machine. "I can't remember the last time you took sick leave. I mean, you even tried to work when you had the flu last winter."

Olivia smiled and shrugged, getting out a pen and starting to fill out forms that should have been filed weeks ago. "What can I say?" she replied. "It all caught up with me, and now I'm fine. So what did I miss while I was gone?"

As hard as she tried to listen to Elliot's updates on cases and general goings-on, Olivia found her mind wandering. It floated back to the morning, when she had left Alex sleeping on her couch. She remembered waking up and tiptoeing into the kitchen, where there was a fresh pot of coffee and a note from Alex. "Hey, Wonderful– 4 AM jet lag, so I got this ready for you. See you when you get home." Home… Olivia's mind wandered home. Home was no longer just her apartment; home was wherever Alex was.

"… So we finished up that lead and we're waiting on Hardwicke's call with the warrant." Elliot finished, his voice getting slower towards the end as he noticed Olivia's mental absence. "You sure you're okay, Liv?"

"Yeah," she assured him. "Don't worry. I'll be fine."

Elliot shrugged, figuring it best not to ask. He took no notice when Olivia jumped at the ring of her phone and answered in her usual monotone.

"Benson," she said.

"I'm taking you out tonight," Alex's voice came through the speaker.

"Excuse me?" Olivia said, causing Elliot to look up. He raised an eyebrow quizzically, and Olivia hurriedly mouthed "It's nothing" to him before getting up and moving to a less populated corner of the precinct.

"I said that I'm taking you out tonight," Alex repeated. "It's the least I can do, since I'll be sleeping on your couch until I can find a place of my own again. Besides," she added, "I do recall you once pegged me as a hopeless romantic."

Olivia smiled at the recollection of that now very memorable Scrabble game, and she conceded. "Alright," she said. "I guess we're going on a date tonight, then. You know, I have the feeling with you back in the city I'll have a lot more motivation to get home on time."

"That's the idea," Alex laughed on the other end. "And now, as much as I hate to do it, I'll let you get back to work. See you later."

"See you later," Olivia answered warmly, hanging up with a smile. All of a sudden, she looked up to see Fin staring down at her from the precinct staircase. Olivia felt her stomach fall through the floor and her face turn to stone, staring at him with pleading eyes.

"No worries," Fin said quietly. "Mum's the word."

Olivia thanked him wordlessly, and he nodded and continued up the stairs. Fin knew all too well that Olivia's lack of personal life was the subject of occasional joking in the squad. The dates that she did have often didn't work out, which didn't help matters any. Olivia preferred to keep her private life as private as she could as a result, and it mattered more than ever this time. She felt her cheeks redden at the prospect of informing her co-workers of the fact that she had a girlfriend, and didn't yet feel like contemplating how they would react when they found out it was Alex.

Olivia's head was still spinning from the morning. She had never felt so close to another human being before. She had replayed every one of their kisses in her head multiple, savouring the feeling of Alex's lips on hers over and over again. It never lost its novelty. Best of all, Olivia knew that the same feeling would wash over her anew when she came home that night, when Alex would take her into her arms and whisper softly into her ear. They would go out together and Olivia would have nothing to think about but the beautiful woman across from her…

"… Olivia?" Elliot stared at his partner, waving his hand in front of her face. "What's going on today, huh?"

"Nothing, El," Olivia assured him, shaking Alex out of her head reluctantly. "What's the matter?"

"Hardwicke got the warrant."

"Uh… What warrant?" Olivia asked, utterly confused.

"The warrant for Jackson's warehouse that I just told you about." Elliot looked at Olivia with reproach. "Are you sure you're not still sick?"

"No, I'm fine," answered Olivia, heading over to her desk to retrieve her coat. "Let's go."

When she sat in the squad car with Elliot a few minutes later, the search of the warehouse was no longer about finding whatever evidence it was they were looking for. The search was just one step closer to the end of the day for Olivia – it was one step closer to Alex.


	9. Chapter 9

**Author's Note: Usually I wait a little longer than two hours, but I couldn't wait to get this chapter up**. **So consider this a bit of a double whammy! I hope you like it!**

**~ Blue  
**

* * *

The door slammed behind Olivia as she threw her coat onto the floor. She stood still for a moment, knowing and loving that she wasn't alone in the apartment. The silence was practically humming as Olivia listened for footsteps, breathing, something to confirm the knowledge that Alex was there. Suddenly, she soundlessly appeared in front of the detective. She poked her head around the corner to look at Olivia, her hair hanging loose and her eyes smiling.

"Hey, Wonderful," Olivia smiled, hooking her thumbs through her belt loops. Alex emerged in full a second later, wearing a navy satin dress that kissed the tops of her knees and covered just enough of her shoulders. She lowered her gaze and smiled bashfully as she approached Olivia.

"Do you like it?" she asked, raising her arms and clasping them around Olivia's neck. Olivia smiled and rested her hands on Alex's hips, relishing the feel of the satin skin under her fingertips.

"I love it," she whispered, breathing in Alex's scent before leaning in to place a ghost of a kiss on those perfect pink lips. Alex smiled into the kiss, pulling away slowly and looking into the dark brown eyes across from her.

"Now, go into the bedroom. I put your outfit out on the bed for you. And hurry, because if I don't see you in it soon I might explode."

Olivia laughed away the fluttering of her heart, tearing her hands off of Alex's hips and heading into the bedroom. Alex had scarcely left anything disturbed since she had been inside, the only difference in the room being the pile of fabric lying on the bedspread. Olivia studied the choice Alex had made– black dress pants and a white dress shirt. Classic and stylish, it was exactly the kind of thing Olivia would have chosen for herself. She lifted the shirt and smiled when a trace of the perfume Alex had left on it hit her. She wasted no time stripping off her jeans and donning the black pants, and finally tugging her sweater over her head and replacing it with the dress shirt. She folded the sleeves so they rested just below her elbows, and began to fasten the buttons.

Just as she was about to do up the last one, she felt something stop her. Alex's pale hand took hers from behind and pulled it away. "Leave it," she said, turning Olivia around. "I want to see you."

They stood there holding hands in the middle of the room, breathing in tandem. Alex studied Olivia's body for a moment before her gaze came to rest on her face. Olivia's heart skipped a beat as she looked into the clear blue eyes before her; the expression in them was something Olivia had never seen before, an expression so deep and true that it almost frightened her. Yet Olivia knew that her own eyes reflected the same thing, and she was comforted.

"Let's go," Alex said after a moment. "Our reservations are for 8 PM."

Neither woman spoke on the way down to the street, or as they walked towards the subway. They let the rocking of the subway car push them together, moving with ease and comfort. Alex felt her upper arm brush the fabric of Olivia's shirt, and her stomach clenched. She had been pondering this for a long time now, what her feelings were for Olivia. It was clearer to her now more than ever that her deep commitment to her friend was more than the best, most meaningful friendship she had ever had the privilege to be a part of. The fact that she was currently struggling with her urge to run her fingers through Olivia's hair and bury her face against her soft skin right there on the subway car was more than enough evidence.

The cool night air recalled Alex to her senses as she led Olivia through the streets to the restaurant she had picked for their date. "Where is this place, anyway?" Olivia asked Alex.

"Not too far away, I promise," replied Alex, turning into an alley. Olivia looked around suspiciously, grabbing Alex's hand in a mix of apprehension and protection. Suddenly, the smell of pasta and tomato sauce filled their noses and Olivia laughed.

"This is very Lady and the Tramp of you," she said.

"Oh, yeah? And which one am I?" Alex said with a laugh as she opened a door and pulled Olivia inside.

Olivia didn't get a chance to answer before her breath was taken away by the quaint little room in which they now stood. The only sources of light were the candles stuck in the mouths of Italian wine bottles, their spider webs of melted wax climbing down the sides and onto the red-and-white checked tablecloths. Aromas of cheese, bread and various sauces swirled around the air as waiters with towels tucked into their belts bustled around and called out to each other in Italian.

"Oh, Alex," Olivia breathed. "Where on earth did you dig this place up? It's amazing!"

"Wait until you taste the food," Alex said, following a smiling waiter to a secluded table in the corner and sitting down. Olivia picked up the menu, which boasted six simple main dishes. Uncomplicated, quality food– Olivia beamed at Alex, who was ordering wine. Her voice as she spoke to the waiter was low and sultry without even intending to be so. When the man left to retrieve Alex's requested bottle, she turned to Olivia and smiled.

"What are you thinking about?" she asked casually, glancing at the menu quickly before returning her gaze to Olivia's eyes.

"I don't know," Olivia answered, putting down her own menu. "I guess I'm just kind of amazed at it all… How fast we decided everything. How well we go together. I just have this whole new context for us."

Alex rested her chin on her hand, giving Olivia a lopsided grin. "How do you mean?" she asked.

"Well, for instance…" Olivia said, taking a deep breath. "I've never thought of telling you how absolutely stunning you are until now."

Alex's eyes softened, and her mouth fell into a faint smile of content. She was about to say something in reply just as the waiter came back with a bottle of wine and two glasses. Both women remained silent as he poured and set the bottle on the table. They each gave him their orders quietly and quickly, and they only resumed their conversation when he disappeared into the kitchen.

"Can I ask you something?" Alex said, taking a sip of her wine. Olivia nodded.

"Sure," she said. "Fire away."

"How long have you thought about us?"

Olivia was silent for a moment as she turned the question over in her head. "I'm not sure," she finally decided. Alex's brow furrowed in interest, which Olivia took as a cue to continue her explanation.

"I mean, when you were in New York we were such good friends. Things just felt so natural between us," Olivia went on. "I felt like we really understood each other in some way that I hadn't experienced before. But I don't think it was until you left that I realized how much of me was missing without you."

Alex grew quiet, reaching across the table for Olivia's hand. After a moment, she spoke.

"The night I decided to come back was it for me. I knew I couldn't listen to you on the phone anymore and not be there to hold you when you cried. I wanted to make you happy…" Alex trailed off, stroking Olivia's hand gently.

Olivia pulled her mouth into a thin smile, willing herself not to tear up. "You make me very happy," she assured Alex. "You always have."


	10. Chapter 10

The subway ride back to the apartment passed quickly, as Alex and Olivia had returned to their regular casual conversation. It was easy for them to forget the change in the nature of their relationship when they started to laugh, as they regressed to the easy closeness they had shared for years before. It was only when they arrived at the door to Olivia's apartment that the nervousness of new love overtook them again. Olivia dropped her head in an uncharacteristically embarrassed way.

"I feel like I should kiss you goodnight," she confessed sheepishly, "only you're coming in with me afterwards so the setup doesn't work."

"Come on, do it anyway," Alex challenged. Olivia looked up with a wry smile and took a step closer to Alex.

"If you insist…" she joked, before cupping Alex's cheek in her hand and bringing their lips together tentatively. But as each one felt the other's responsiveness, the kiss deepened and grew full of passion. At last, they forced themselves apart and Alex took a deep breath.

"Liv, if you don't unlock this door right now–" she started, but before she could finish the rest of the sentence Olivia had the door opened and she pulled Alex inside. The door was shut by the force of Olivia pushing Alex against it, and she fumbled with the deadbolt without breaking contact with Alex's lips. When they broke apart for air, Alex moved her hands to the neck of Olivia's blouse.

"As beautiful as you look in this, I want it off," she said, out of breath, unbuttoning the shirt as she spoke. As she unfastened the last one, her hands began to tremble slightly. Her eyes skimmed over the expanse of smooth, tanned flesh that lay underneath and she slipped the shirt off Olivia's shoulders with almost ceremonial awe. All the impatience she had just felt dwindled as she watched Olivia in front of her, breathing and searching her eyes. The momentous mood took hold of both women as soon as they fully realized what was happening, and it quelled their urgency. They moved apart slowly, studying each other's faces.

"Alex, is this it?" Olivia asked. "Is this how it's going to happen?"

"It doesn't have to be if you don't want," Alex answered, her voice taking on a concerned tone. "I mean, should we wait?"

"That's not what I meant," Olivia cut Alex's objection off. "Whether I realized it or not, I've wanted this for a long time. I just wanted to make sure that you're okay with where this is about to go."

Alex stepped forward towards Olivia and ran her fingertips slowly down her side. She suppressed the shiver the feeling of Olivia's bare skin beneath her own caused, noting with pleasure the trail of goosebumps that appeared after her touch.

"We agreed that we're doing this," she whispered huskily. "That means all of it. So if you're ready, I'm ready."

"Well, in that case," Olivia reached around Alex's dress and dragged the zipper downwards, her heart fluttering as the zipper stopped at Alex's lower back, "you won't mind if I do this."

"You know, I loved this dress before we went to dinner," Alex breathed as she slid it off her shoulders and let it pool around her legs on the floor. "Now I'm not so sure."

Olivia's breath caught in her throat as she struggled to comprehend what was happening, but she reminded herself over and over that it was right.

It was time.

Olivia kissed Alex softly one last time before taking her hand and wordlessly leading her into the bedroom. They didn't need to talk anymore. Their understanding and desire was mutual, and all that mattered now was proving it.


	11. Chapter 11

It was early when Olivia opened her eyes. The 6 AM sun was just rising, painting the walls of her room in shades of yellow and orange. As she relived the events of the previous night– the date, the wonderful food, the subway ride home and what had followed – she allowed a blissful smile to spread across her face. Amidst the reminiscing, though, it took Olivia a minute to realize that she was now lying in bed alone.

She sat up, the covers falling off and leaving her bare skin exposed to the chill of the room. Slipping quickly out of bed, Olivia ran over to her closet and pulled out a pair of pyjama pants and a tank top, which she wasted no time putting on. Listening intently for any sign of Alex in the apartment, she furrowed her brow in worry. Had she decided that it was a mistake after all? Olivia's heart sank, but logic stepped in and calmed her down and she walked into the living room.

Sure enough, Alex sat curled up on the couch with a copy of the New York Times in her lap. She wore a large t-shirt she had clearly dug up from the bottom of Olivia's closet and in one hand she held a red pen. Her hair was up in a messy knot at the back of her head and her glasses sat halfway down her nose. She looked up when Olivia walked in and she smiled.

"Hey, Wonderful," Alex's voice was hoarse with its first use of the day. Olivia noticed and laughed, leaning against the wall.

"What?" Alex asked, setting down her pen.

"Nothing," Olivia said. "It's just that I love how I'm the first person to see your face today."

Alex smiled, tucking a stray strand of hair behind her ear. "Coffee's in the pot for you. Good morning."

Olivia sauntered over to the coffee pot, poured a mug for herself and one for Alex and carried them over to the couch. Alex murmured a word of thanks as Olivia sat down and stretched her legs out over Alex's lap. Alex raised her paper to accommodate the change, and then rested it on Olivia's shins.

"What are you doing?" Olivia asked, sipping the coffee.

"Looking for apartments," Alex answered. "I figure I had better get a jump on it since I don't want to have to rely on you for a bed forever."

"Well, it wouldn't be the worst thing if you had to," Olivia answered, her eyes glittering with mischief. Alex gave Olivia's leg a playful swat, a smile tugging at the corner of her mouth and her eyes still glued to the paper. Yet in the next minutes, the circles she made around the addresses becoming lazier and lazier. Olivia watched with pleasure over the rim of her mug as Alex's eyes began to wander around the room, her attention lessening until she set the pen down and tossed the paper across the room.

"So what do you have on for today, Liv?" Alex asked, a sudden change of mood overtaking her as she brought her hand to rest on Olivia's knee. Chills ran up from the spot of contact, filling Olivia inside and out. She smiled at the familiarity of Alex's touch before trying to recall her schedule.

"Um… I don't know. There are piles of paperwork I could be doing, but probably won't. I'll just end up waiting around like normal until a call comes in."

"Sounds fascinating," Alex mused, absentmindedly running her finger up and down Olivia's leg. "But I have a better idea."

"What's that?" Olivia said, taking another sip of her coffee. Alex paused, shifting her glance to the detective's face and smiling.

"You could take me in for show and tell."

Olivia spat her coffee back into her mug, her eyes widening in shock. "What?" she sputtered. "You mean–"

"Just to say hi, Liv," Alex reassured her with a laugh. "Let them know I'm back in town and everything. Maybe we can leave out the part about me shacking up with you– for now, at least."

Olivia's stomach suddenly twisted into knots with the recollection that there were other people in the world besides Alex, and that she and the attorney were still living in an impenetrable bubble of anonymity. People would have to know sooner or later… Olivia ran her hands through her hair, sighing deeply.

"Alex," she started, "I just need you to know that this is new to me. I've never had cause to tell anybody about this part of my life before now."

Alex sensed Olivia's tenseness and moved in to hug her. Slipping her arms around Olivia's neck, she pulled her close and whispered in her ear.

"It's okay, Liv," she said. "Nobody knows about me, either. We can be new at this together. And remember, we have all the time in the world."

Olivia pulled away and raised a hand to Alex's cheek, stroking it tenderly. She revelled in the feel of Alex's soft skin under her fingertips, and the way the attorney closed her eyes blissfully under her touch. The silence was peaceful and resigned for a while until Olivia spoke again. "It's not all women, you know," she suddenly mused aloud.

"Excuse me?" Alex cocked her head to one side, opening her eyes and staring at Olivia in confusion.

"I've hardly ever been attracted to women before," Olivia explained. "I mean, twice or three times, sure. But never like this… It's you, Alex. You're just _it_."

Alex's blue eyes glistened, her breath momentarily taken away by Olivia's words. When oxygen once again entered her body, she felt a tear roll slowly down her cheek. She coloured with embarrassment as Olivia noticed and laughed, raising her lips to Alex's face and kissing the tear away. They joined hands, fingers lacing together as if they could never be parted.

"You're just _it_," Alex repeated Olivia's words, her heart beating so fast that it almost hummed.

Olivia was incredibly late for work that day, but she bore Cragen's admonishment well. It was well worth it, she reasoned, to pay desk duty in exchange for a morning on the couch with the woman she loved.

* * *

**Author's Note: To all of you who were hoping for a little bit of smut, I apologize. I have neither the talent nor the inclination to write that stuff, though I appreciate reading it now and then :P I hope the emotional stuff in this chapter made up for it!**


	12. Chapter 12

Olivia walked into the precinct, smiling at Munch as she passed him and sinking into her chair across from Elliot. He looked up at her from his coffee, studying her with a critical eye.

"You know, if you don't stop showing up to work with that extra spring in your step I'm going to start thinking something's going on," he said, raising his eyebrow. Olivia laughed.

"Well, there actually is something going on. And you'll find out any minute…" Olivia trailed off mysteriously, looking at her watch in anticipation. "Where's Fin?"

"Late, I guess," Elliot shrugged before returning to his paperwork. A few minutes later, right on schedule, Olivia heard the familiar click of heels come down the hallway. Her heart skipped a beat– leave it to Alex to wear heels on a regular weekday. When she looked up from her watch, she saw the casually-dressed blonde standing by the double doors with a small smile on her face. Olivia knew that smile was intended for her.

"This place hasn't changed a bit," Alex's commanding voice rang out in the room. "Still the same old hole with the same old exhausted cops drinking the same old tired coffee."

Elliot's head whipped upwards toward the source of the sound. His eyes widened when he saw Alex standing there, and he stood up to greet her. Walking over to her, he was soon followed by the rest of the guys and by Olivia, who trailed along the back.

"Cabot, I'm getting really tired of these disappearing acts you keep pulling on us," he said, shaking her hand firmly. Alex smiled widely, nodded her agreement and moving on to shake hands with Munch and Cragen. There was a brief pause when she got to Olivia as neither woman quite knew what to do. In the end, they settled on a quick hug.

"So what brings you back to New York?" Munch asked, putting his hands in his pockets. "Not enough crime for you over in the Congo?"

"Oh, trust me, there's more than enough," Alex said, her voice saturated with disgust. "But I guess it just took one more stint away from here to make me realize it's where I belong." She finished the sentence with a quick glance at Olivia.

"Well, we're more than happy to have you back," she chimed in with a smile. "Can I offer you some of that tired coffee you were mentioning earlier?"

Alex laughed, shaking her head. "No thanks, I just popped by to say hello to everyone. I actually have somewhere to be in around half an hour."

The next few minutes were spent chatting and laughing, catching up on what had happened since Alex left. Olivia stayed quiet, watching Alex interact with the guys so effortlessly. It was like she was a piece of the SVU puzzle that had been missing so often that they hardly noticed its absence, but when it was found it made the whole picture better. Olivia was so grateful in that moment– grateful that Alex had come back, and that she had come back for her.

When Alex announced that she had to get going, Olivia volunteered to walk her down. The two took slow, measured steps down the hallway and waited for the elevator in silence. It announced its arrival with a barely audible noise, and they stepped inside.

As soon as the doors closed, Alex locked Olivia in a passionate kiss. The elevator has descended two floors before they broke apart.

"I didn't know how difficult it was going to be," Alex said, running her hands through Olivia's hair. "I had to fight so hard not to touch you, not to do anything that would give us up."

"You won't have to fight it when I get home tonight," Olivia said with a small laugh. She gave Alex one last quick kiss as the elevator doors opened, and the attorney hurried outside. When Olivia saw the man facing her from outside the elevator, though, her stomach dropped.

A wide-eyed Fin stood poised to enter the elevator, coffee in one hand and leather jacket in the other. He stepped onto the elevator and shut the door, forgetting to even acknowledge Olivia. As the doors shut, Olivia felt colour rise in her face and her heart beat out of her chest. Awkward silence enveloped them. But halfway up, Fin finally spoke.

"Was that… Cabot?" he asked timidly.

"Yup," Olivia answered quickly, sighing and pushing her hair out of her face.

"And you–" he faltered, unable to find words.

"Yup," Olivia said again, feeling as if she were going to pass out. Fin nodded in comprehension, staring determinedly straight ahead. As they approached their floor, Olivia knew she had to say something or lose weeks' worth of sleep wondering if it was resolved.

"Hey," she said, "I'd appreciate it if you didn't, you know…"

"I said it before, Liv," Fin said in his typical monotone, still staring straight ahead. "Mum's the word. It's none of my business."

Just then, the doors opened to let them off at the precinct. Fin's stride was longer than Olivia's and he left her at the end of the hallway, rattled and anxious. Immediately she pulled out her cell phone and dialled Alex's number, slipping into a secluded corner and leaning against the wall. She sank to the floor in a squat, waiting for Alex to pick up. When she heard the familiar voice, relief flooded her body.

"Hey, Wonderful," Liv said into the phone. "I have something to tell you…"


	13. Chapter 13

The dull sound of the door shutting echoed through the tense atmosphere of Olivia's apartment as she shook of her coat. It was barely five seconds before Alex appeared from around the corner, brow furrowed in concern.

"Hey, Wonderful," she said softly, approaching Olivia with her arms outstretched. Olivia gratefully accepted the hug, and Alex gripped the back of Olivia's neck protectively. She willed herself to swallow her questions for when Olivia's anxiety subsided, and to take things slower than the pace at which her thoughts were racing. When Olivia sighed deeply, Alex could feel her shrink into herself in an alarming way– even with all the emotional upset they had been through, she had never experienced Olivia looking as lost as she did right now.

"What do we do now?" Alex asked as she pulled away to look into Olivia's eyes. They were filled with worry and glistened with exhaustion. Olivia walked over to the couch and sat down, looking at Alex from across the room.

"I don't know," she said, sinking into the cushions. "At least he won't tell anyone, I trust him when he says that."

"I'm sorry, Liv, we should have been more careful," Alex apologized after a moment, shaking her head. Olivia looked over at Alex and bit her lip, beckoning for her to sit on the couch.

"It's okay, Al," she said. "I guess it was inevitable. I couldn't have kept you a secret forever."

"And I would hate being a secret forever," Alex answered, smiling weakly as she sat down next to Olivia. "But I would be lying if I said I wasn't terrified of this. I mean, nobody's ever known about me before… And this is quite a way to have them find out."

"You don't have to tell me twice." A tear fell down Olivia's cheek, and Alex wiped it away with her thumb. Olivia looked into the clear blue eyes clouded with concern and at the smooth lines of Alex's cheeks that made her look so trusting. Olivia wanted to open up and tell Alex everything, and to know that she would be heard and be safe. She took a deep, shaky breath.

"It's just that everything falls apart," Olivia sighed. "My mother, Calvin, and you…" she stopped to take another tearful breath. "I've lost you more times than I want to remember. And bad things just happen around me and if everyone knows, I feel like it'll get worse and I'll lose you again…" Her speech became less and less coherent and Alex shushed her, pulling her into another tight hug. Olivia continued to cry softly as Alex kissed her tears away.

"Never," Alex said, her voice shaking with conviction. She held Olivia's face between her hands, looking straight into her eyes. "You will never lose me. I'm not going anywhere. Do you understand me? Even though it's not ideal that Fin knows, that it'll probably get out in time, you will never have to lose me again."

Olivia sniffed, grasping Alex's hand. Alex smiled, feeling tears come to her own eyes. The smile fell from her face, though, when she noticed Olivia's expression become pensive and afraid.

"Alex, don't be mad at me for asking this, but I feel like I have to…" Olivia took a deep breath and clasped Alex's hands in her own. "You're not ashamed of us, are you?"

After a moment of stunned silence, Alex shook her head vigorously. "Not ashamed, Liv," she explained. "Just scared, like you. I could never be ashamed of you… The fact that you fell in love with me is the one thing I'm most proud of in my life."

And despite all the amazing things Alex had done over the years, the look of love in her eyes was so strong that Olivia believed her.


End file.
